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I
am feeling the stress of survival and I am fretting the
money situation. It truly saddens me to have worked so hard
for the past couple years and only have been able to generate
less than two thousand dollars on my own effort. If I think
about it, I could cry - obviously it depresses me and I
feel less a man for the inability to make money. And I feel
very fragmented (not focused on a direction), despondent,
-- you know, it is almost as if I have been in the ocean
- far out at sea waving my arms to be noticed, helped out
- and all the yelling and screaming, and work to reach out
to others, just became apparently futile - and as I bob
here, looking at the expanse around me, I just wait to sink.
This last two years - if it was God closing doors to my
worldly (but well intended) efforts - to bring me to obedience,
so that He can be provident in my life -- ok.... If not
- and I am only hanging by a thread - then I am worried.
Worried, and worn.
Still - so many in our lives are suffering worse things
- frightening things, and I feel for them - I will make
due (started a second painting this morning - it is like
a kick of the foot under the water in that immense ocean
- the beginning of paddling in a direction - hopefully toward
shore. At some point, it would be helpful for assurance
to see a dove with a olive branch indicating secure ground
ahead).
With further reflection
I see that I am in the same predicament and anxiety for
God's providence as I was in 2000 - (see Journal entry for:
1-10-2000
) - I was in
the same place 2 years ago - I have come full circle. Why
do I not just make my art and stop trying to do everything
else - plan for the 2003 festival and plan private shows
to get by in the meantime - invite church groups - etc -
learn to obey - walk in obedience to "Paint Clouds.
Put Them in Crosses" - no, it does not make sense how
my living will be provided for with out my efforts to do
so, or my cunning, or my control, etc. - I supose this is
what walking in Faith is about.
The
paintings are bringing me peace.
April continued - Coming
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